Slogan Showdown

On a recent kayak float on the mud puddle of Chilhowee Lake, I and my friend Andy discovered decades worth of beer packaging left behind on the lake bottom. The dam is currently being repaired and so water levels are thirty feet below normal levels, revealing past roads, bridges, and fences. There are also tens of thousands of empty shells left behind by brave fishermen firing round after twelve ounce round in an attempt to slake the beast of thirst and boredom. One, nearly pristinely preserved can was that of Falstaff beer. It was the pull tab style, quart can, and made of steel. I would have expected it to be as rusty and faded as others closer to shore, but we found this one out toward the middle of the lake where it was preserved by the cold temperature and protection from sunlight. I decided to see what happened to Falstaff, so I did a little research. Being too young to legally appreciate what might have been a fine beer I have never popped the top of a Falstaff and to my chagrin, the company which was founded by two German families in the 1840's, is no longer around. However, I can only postulate from their slogan how a brewery steeped in history and born of German roots could have possibly met its demise. There are rumors that the temperance movement of the 1920's better known as prohibition caused the business to weaken and was eventually sold off cheaply to a conglomerate brewer who gradually phased out the name... but I know better. It's all laid out in the Falstaff Beer slogan.

"When you're having fun... and you're really thirsty- beer-thirsty THIS IS THE ONE!"

I think we're getting closer to identifying the target demographic here. People who are:
1) Having fun
2) Really thirsty
3) Not only really thirsty, but beer thirsty.
Given laws and statutes governing age appropriateness of the beverage, we've also got to include only people 21 or older.

Well, here's how this is going to play out when Joe and Fred, two age appropriate guys, going fishing for the weekend, decide they want to bring some beer with them. They go to their local beer store and walk up to the beer display case. The store might even have one of the Falstaff advertisements on the wall like this one.

"Hey Joe, we're planning on having fun fishing right?"

"Sure thing Fred. It's going to be a top notch time."

"You think we'll get thirsty?"

"Well Gee Fred, I would think we should get thirsty eventually."

"Are we going to get really thirsty?"

"Golly Fred, we just might."

"Beer thirsty?"

"???" [Both Joe and Fred scratch their head]

"I don't reckon I know what beer thirsty is Fred, better grab that one over there that says 'King of Beers'. It'll be like drinkin' with royalty."

I think potential customers all over ran into problems along those lines with various combinations. Either they were having fun, but weren't really thirsty, and certainly not beer thirsty. Others were beer thirsty, but weren't really having fun. Others were beer thirsty, having fun, but still harbored post-WWII anti-German sentiments.

I decided to see if other beer companies faced the same challenges in their slogan choices. As you will see below, the world of beverage marketing is a difficult and psychologically encompassing rubiks cube of frustration peppered with bold face lies.

Budweiser: The King of Beers.
Elvis is going to be all shook up.

Carlsberg: Carlsberg. Probably the best beer in the world.
But we might be wrong. Not 100% sure.

Coors Beer: Turn it loose!
This slogan has caused hundreds of broken bottles and dented or busted cans. Nice one Coors. Thanks for choosing that one over "Chuck at Cashier".

Courage Beer: It's what your right arm's for.
Not too popular with the amputee crowd or south paws.

Heineken Beer: Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach.
I was looking for a cold beer, not a hop-infused bidet.

Molsen Canadian: I am Canadian.
Thank you for sharing.

Miller Lite: Everything you always wanted in a beer. And less.
I'm sorry, what? Less what? Ah... taste.

Old Milwaukee Beer: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This!
When your ability to set expectations is as limited as your ability to spell expectations.

Norrlands Guld: Norrlands Guld. Be yourself for a while.
Because sobriety masks all that individualism bottled up inside you.

Dos Equis Mexican Beer: Sooner or later you'll get it.
You can enjoy this beer, but it's going to cost you.

Labatt Brewery, Canada: If I wanted water, I would have asked for water.
Great slogan for the wrong beer.

Red Stripe Jamaican Lager: It's BEER. Hooray beer!
Sometimes it's not what you say, it's what you can still say.

Guinness: The most natural thing in the world.
It's on the periodic table next to Einsteinium.

Staropramen: Staropramen. Get a Taste of Prague.
I'm not sure what centuries of socialist oppression tastes like, but I'm glad it comes in bottle form.

As you can see from the various attempts at one-upping the competition in hopes of jockeying for the number one beer position, we the consumer are at the mercy of the beer industry's brilliance, prose, and college marketing interns. So, in another 30 years when TVA drains another lake and my children are floating around picking up bottles of Flying Dog from the lake bed, I am sure they will be proud to know it once contained, "Good Beer, No $h!t."